A special thanks to Laura Belli for facilitating last Sunday's GrowthStarts Seminar "ENGAGED: Starting Your Marriage Off Right." We offer this premarital seminar about three to four times a year. I wanted to share some of their great feedback from the seminar:
- "It is very helpful! Puts some questions in our head to go over!"
- "This really helped. A lot to think about and talk about."
- "I really enjoyed this seminar. It was helpful & informative. It definitely showed me that we have some more things to talk about!"
Great class!
One of the questions that came up was about living together before marriage. Craig Groeschel has some great information on that in chapter 6 of his book Going All the Way: Preparing for a Marriage That Goes the Distance.
Laura also had some great information on this subject from Charles E. Cook. Here's some of what he said:
1. Couples who choose to live together before marriage are the least likely to marry each other.
A National Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people, concluded that about 40% of cohabiting unions break up without those couples getting married. Of course you weren’t included in that survey, were you, and you are convinced you won’t be among that 40%, aren’t you? If you were considering how to invest your money with some assurance of future returns, you certainly wouldn’t consider an investment that had a record of 40% risk, would you? Why, then, would you take such a risk with your life and your future happiness?
2. Couples who choose to live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates.
This same National Survey of Families and Households indicates that “unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages.” The possibility of divorce today is already so great that it seems incredible that anyone would be willing to double that possibility by choosing cohabitation.
3. Couples who choose to live together before marriage have unhappier marriages.
A study by the National Council on Family Relations of 309 newlyweds found that those who cohabit first are less happy in their relationship. Women complained about the quality of communication and the ability to effectively resolve conflicts. Communication and conflict resolution are two of the most common factors contributing to dissatisfaction within a marriage and often lead to divorce. Cohabitation simply increases this reality.
4. Couples who are sexually active before marriage are much more likely to divorce.
A study done by Dr. Joan Kahn of the University of Maryland and Dr. Katherine London of the National Center for Health Statistics found that nonvirgin brides increase their odds of divorce by about 60 percent. The sexual relationship is intended to be one of the delights of marriage. The Bible’s view of sexual intimacy within marriage is always positive and attractive. In fact, it is even intended to reflect in the life of Christians, the intimacy and permanence of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. However, when the sexual relationship is indulged in freely outside the covenant of marriage, it tends to diminish and degrade persons. The teaching in 1 Corinthians 6:18 is quite clear and matches up with secular research. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”
5. Those who choose to live together are at a high risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases.
There are about five dozen STDs identified today and their incidence is skyrocketing. Sexual behavior even seems to be a contributing factor in diseases that are not classified as STDs. According to gynecology researcher, Dr. Thomas Elkins of the University of Michigan, when a woman has three or more sexual partners in a lifetime, the odds of getting cervical cancer jump 15 times. It is not just the living together unions that contribute to this serious problem. It is the fact that a very high percentage of individuals who choose cohabitation have had multiple sexual partners.
6. Those who have engaged in premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well.
Research indicates that if one is willing to experience a sexual relationship before marriage, a higher probability exists that one will do the same afterward. This is especially true of women. Those who engaged in sexual intercourse before marriage are more than twice as likely to have extramarital affairs as those who did not have premarital sex. Again, this is why the Bible is so clearly opposed to extramarital sexual relationships. Your body is not some kind of toy, but something sacred. Paul asks, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
7. Couples who have “trial marriages” do not have better marriages.
Trial marriages that are intended to check and see if the relationship will work are not successful. In fact, they increase the likelihood that a subsequent marriage will be less satisfying. Research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction than those who do not cohabit. This is clearly because there is an element of whole-hearted commitment missing in most cohabiting relationships. Of course, we should not be surprised that conventional wisdom is not yet convinced of this. It seems that it is still the case that … “All a man’s ways seem right to him…” (Proverbs 21:2)
8. Couples who choose to live together before marriage do not experience the best sexual relationship.
The best sexual relationship is found in a good marriage. Some studies report that if a couple abstains from sexual intercourse before marriage, they are 29 to 47 percent more likely to enjoy the sexual relationship afterward. In a study done by Dr. Evelyn Duvall and Dr. Judson Landis, evidence is clear that premarital sex was not satisfying. They found that the frequency of satisfaction rose considerably after couples adapted during marriage. Believe it or not, in a study done by the Family Research Council, it was discovered that “72 percent of all married “traditionalists” (those who believe “out of wedlock sex” is wrong) report high sexual satisfaction. This was roughly 32 percentage points higher than the level registered by unmarried, cohabiting, “non-traditionalists.” Psychiatrist and medical researcher David Larson says that “the most religious women are most satisfied with the frequency of intercourse…and were more orgasmic than are the nonreligious.” Why would it surprise us that when we choose to live by God’s design for marriage the result will be a more fulfilling relationship in every way, including the sexual experience? Why are we so quickly duped into believing what our culture tries to teach us? We are taught that there must be something weird about us if we choose to abstain from sexual intimacy until we commit ourselves to the one who will be our sexual partner for life? The fact is, there is something that diminishes one’s humanity, in the person who sees no problem with multiple sexual partners before marriage.
9. Cohabiting couples have more difficulty resolving conflicts.
Often cohabitating couples attempt to resolve conflicts with a hug, a kiss, or other romantic expressions, rather than developing the ability to communicate freely and appropriately. The qualities that are essential in a growing relationship – trust, honesty, openness, deep friendship and spiritual intimacy take time to develop. When this process is short-circuited, as it usually is in a cohabitating relationship, the foundation for a lasting relationship collapses.
10. Those who choose to live together before marriage often suffer guilt and fear.
Cohabitation often produces feelings of guilt, remorse, and even fear, particularly because of the possibility of a STD or an unwanted pregnancy before the anticipated wedding. For a person of faith, there is the added guilt of knowing that God’s intention for marriage is being disregarded and violated. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed be kept pure, for God….” (Hebrews 13:4) This cycle of unhealthy feelings, taken into the context of marriage, is a major contributor to frigidity, impotence, and sexual maladjustment. Dr. Joe Aldrich says, “There is no prophylactic for the conscience.”
11. Those who choose to live together before marriage often lay a foundation of distrust and lack of respect.
Mature marital love is built on the security of knowing that your love is exclusive. There is no one else. You are special to one another. Premarital intimacy causes you to wonder about this. Dating relationships so quickly become sexual relationships, and inevitably the question is considered, “If he or she has this little control with me now, have there been others before me, and will there be others in the future?” As the suspicion and distrust increase, you slowly begin to lose respect for one another and the foundation of trust that is so essential in a relationship begins to crumble.
12. Those who choose to live together before marriage abuse each other more often and more severely than dating couples or married couples.
Cynthia Culp Allen, in an article, “Living Together,” in Focus on the Family, 1994 indicates that this may be the most often overlooked reason for the increasing frequency of partner and spousal abuse. The fact that cohabiting relationships have more difficulty resolving conflict and that they tend to be much more self-centered rather than other-centered, easily leads to an emphasis upon one’s rights in the relationship rather than on one’s responsibilities. Aggressiveness usually follows the pattern identified in Proverbs 29:11, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” In a relationship of mature “agape” (self-giving love), such as is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, the differences and conflicts that inevitably arise are resolved through patient understanding and mutual respect.
It is indisputable that the choice to live together before marriage places the future marriage of the cohabiting couple, should it occur, at significant risk. Furthermore, it violates God’s intention and design for marriage. Why are we so easily persuaded that social acceptance is more important than God’s design and purpose for our lives? If you are a Christian, and reading this, the choice should be a clear one for you. When you chose to commit your life to Christ, you chose to honor His teaching about the sacredness of the marriage relationship. If you are not a Christian, and you are considering cohabitation because you believe that it will enhance the possibility of a successful marriage, then rational judgment should be adequate to help you choose otherwise. But, of course, the choice is yours.
