Today I am a different person

My "story" is not a glamorous as the others posted here. I don't feel as worthy, but maybe my story will help someone. If I touch ONE person, that is enough for me.

THE BEGINNING.....

I've recently started attending NorthStar Church. I love it. I am a Christian, but have not been living for the Lord. I was raised Christian and know what it takes to please God. I have not been doing those things - not even close.

I was raised in a violent, horrible, dysfunctional home. My parents were divorced and my Mother went from man to man, remarrying two more times after my Father. (My father lived in another State and was a "career criminal" who spent most of my childhood incarcerated.) As a young girl, I was often left alone for days at a time - I was only 10. I learned to survive on my own. We lived "in the country" and I will never forget the darkness at night....so dark you can barely see unless there is moonlight. Many of those dark nights, I was cast from my home by my Mother's husband. He would make me leave and "go find somewhere else to sleep."  I was 10. I'd walk through the woods, get my coffee can of quarters, and walk to the store which had a pay phone - I'd call someone to come get me. (A friend had an older sister with a car.) The path through the woods saved me a mile walk, but it sure was dark and scary. Once my neighbors caught on, they invited me to come to their house should it ever happen again. It did. I went to them and they were my haven. Many school nights I'd be woken from a dead sleep to that man yelling at my mother, screaming, yanking me from the bed, distroying my toys, and tossing me out the door. She never tried to stop him. He never hit me, but his words and actions stung as bad as a punch. The pain and isolation was almost unbearable for me. I was so confused and afraid. Before she married husband number three (this man) we went to church. I didn't understand why God let all this happen to me - why didn't he protect me?  I did not trust in the Lord any longer and would not for the rest of my childhood and early adulthood.

I made good grades in school and tried to be "normal." However, the abuse and dysfunction almost destroyed me. Despite all the trauma at home, I was popular, involved in school activities, and tried to be like all the other kids. My mother eventually divorced this husband. She started drinking and partying with people - more and more each day. They'd often burst in late at night and wake me from my sleep. Just another day in my life...it was not healthy. The only thing I had was my determination to graduate and get out of there!  I became pregnant at 17 and had an abortion. I was alone and very depressed. (It is worth mentioning for those young people reading this that I became pregnant the FIRST time I had intercourse - the very first time! It happens.) I tried so hard to hide the pain...to make it go away...to do anything besides "look" at myself. I hated me...I felt very unworthy of love. I knew God would hate me for having an abortion, but I did not know what else to do. I had no support system, nobody to lean on.  I did not feel like I'd make it through to finish high school. I wanted to die. I made it through high school and started to have hope. I wanted to attend a local college and try once more to "make something" of myself. I knew I could - I just had to decide how. I worked full-time and went to school full-time. It gave me even more drive and determination and eventually led me to move out of my mother's house. (When I moved out, I was taken in by a friend's parents - they wanted me to go to college and not have to pay rent. They allowed me to live there and I was overwhelmed at how they took me in and made me one of the family. And, all of this without ever asking for anything from me.) 

Through college I concentrated on getting out of school and tried to mask the pain I felt on the inside. I can't really explain it, but it just felt like I was always on the verge of breaking. I felt broken already. I got good grades, studied hard, worked often so I could afford school, and tried to be "normal." The pain and despair persisted. The more I accomplished, the more the "beast" reared his head and demanded more of my life...my heart...my emotions. I developed a habit of smoking marijuana to sleep. I still worked, studied, and made Dean's list, but I needed something...someone....to help me bear the pain and misery. This went on for the last two years of college and into my adulthood.

I graduated from college and immediately moved to Atlanta. I think I was running away, but did not realize it until later in life. I've been here now since 1994 and have yet to find a place that makes me feel like NorthStar. So many of the messages I hear (at NorthStar) are that Christians DO sin...we DO make mistakes...we DO need support.  I've never really understood that. I always assumed that if God saw the bad things I did, he'd "cross me off his list."  I lived my life as if that were already done.

Even though I've only recently started attending NorthStar, each time I leave, I feel more hope and elation than I have in a very long time. I have two children who mean more to me than my own life. Growing up in such a condition made me strong - strong enough to make sure my children NEVER have to see and hear what I did. To this day, they have no idea what I've been through - they are so sheltered. I can only pray that God guides me further to raise my children in the love I know is there.

PRESENT DAY....

Today I am a different person. It took me many many years to deal with the issues of my parents and childhood, but I finally came to peace with all of that. While still "tender" on the inside when I think of my life growing up, I am now able to make sound decisions for my children's sake. I now understand that the experience made me the strong, independent person that I am. One thing I always remember feeling was that I was here for a reason....a real reason....to help someone, something, do something for others. Now, I volunteer with struggling youth of Atlanta. I work with families who are torn apart by drugs, alcohol, or abuse. I volunteer for many different youth/family programs in Cobb County. If I'd had ONE person to listen to me when I was growing up, it might've made a difference. My volunteer position often brings me to youth who feel the same way. My heart breaks for them. I know how they feel. I understand and relate. But, what still nags at me is the question of HOW. HOW do you want me to repay you, Lord? What can I do? How can you use someone like me - someone broken and bruised, but still alive?

I think NorthStar will help me live a life worthy of the Lord, be more at peace, and learn to accept my faults. I am a sinner - not a bad person. I deserve the same love as the next person. I know I am here for a reason. If attending NorthStar brings me closer to the Lord and closer to the "reason" then that alone is worth me coming every Sunday.

Thank you for accepting me...a sinner...a person....a mother....a person struggling with bad habits...a person who needs love....a person bound for something BIG! -- Jen

Comments

[Lynn]

Just a word of encouragement to you, Jen. Don't discount the power of your story. My father grew up in a Christian home but rebelled because he felt he was forced to "be a Christian". He finally turned to the Lord in his mid-30s while serving time for attempted manslaughter. He met and married my mother when he stayed with his sister and her husband (my mother's pastor) during his parole. His very first Sunday at the church, he stood up and gave his testimony and explained why he was there. Everyone accepted him, and he was not a subject of gossip in that small town as he would have been if he hid his past. He attended that same church until he died 25 years later. He was one of the church leaders and a Sunday School teacher. I knew nothing of my dad's history until I heard him give his testimony at a youth retreat. He never talked about it at home. But just knowing about his transformation has been very special to me, and allows me to pass that hope on to others.

[nick]

Hey Jen,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is amazing to see what God can do. I know that God has a lot in store for you, it is awesome to see what God can do when he has a willing vessel. Continue to let you story be a light to how amazing the God is that you serve.